#legit the hardest thing i ever did

[inkskinned]

im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.

[yo-yo-yoshiko]

Timelapse of those last two Blade peices. I actually remembered to turn the capture on for once cause I was so enthusiastic i thought this one would go smoothly but if you've ever wanted to see an artist ABSOLUTELY FIGHT a piece: here you go!!!

[dovedrangeas]

the good ol "i dont see my child as an individual with their own mind, thoughts, opinions, and unique needs, and instead i see them as an object that i can control and make plans and set up expectations for for without problem or consideration, and if they aren't in the narrow boundaries of what i want them to be, i will act like they have died and talk about how hard this is for ME" special

[idiaa-shroxd]

Unfortunately I don't play Genshin anymore due to storage problems BUT IM ALSO A WANDERER MAIN LMAO AND OMFG THANK YOY VERY MUCH FOR THE COMPLIMENT COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO'S ONE OF MY FAV AUTHORS AND YES FARUZAN SUPREMACY AAAAAAAAAAA ILY SM<333

I'm literally going crazy bc you replied to my crazed fan ask HAHAHAHAHA

\(//∇//)\ i am definitely not responding late!! i perceive time like a normal human would.. and that’s so crazy!! ♡

i have loved wanderer since maybe my first time hearing his existence?? i’m not a day-one-er but quite close! so glad he did not get signora’d. if you play on mobile you can try deleting the app and redownloading because the clear old files option doesn’t actually clear everything, and sometimes a redownload may be able to fit within your storage! i absolutely adore faruzan though!! peak character design even if she is genshin’s hatsune miku, not complaining though i think her glass looking dress-skirt is amazing. (*´∀`)♪

i’m happy to be able to talk and respond to people!! getting asks just talking to me or people sending things like how they think my writing style is pretty makes me super happy!! so i’m equally as fanboy-ing when you and others talk to me!! ╰(*´︶`*)╯

[seiwas]

for writing game, iwaizumi + assistance <3

hope this sparks some inspo and thank you in advancee

hi there!! thanks for sending in a prompt 🫶

contains: friends to lovers (ish), halloween parties, reader is dressed as catwoman, expletives, iwaizumi is thiiiiis 🤏 close to murdering seijoh4 (jk)

iwaizumi + assistance

this is a set-up.

iwaizumi knows he shouldn't have fucking believed anything the boys "promised" him back when they assigned him this costume.

the suit is fucking tight, spandex digging into his groins and all other crevices that definitely should be aired out after after a few hours. he's had to constantly readjust his stance almost every few minutes, the black fabric compressing his thighs and torso, significantly constricting the range of motion his shoulders and arms are typically used to. if anything else, it could double up as a back brace from how rigidly straight it's kept his posture all night.

he'll give it to makki though; he did outdo himself sourcing this year's costumes―this batman set looks pretty damn legit.

except for one tiny problem.

there's no fucking pee hole. it's a zip-up, zip-down one-piece situation. and that normally wouldn't be a problem, except that oikawa "accidentally" knocked over a cocktail straight into his pants, the sickeningly sweet liquid now seeping straight into the fabric and past his boxers―cold and sticky as it touches his skin.

and so, the problem: his pants are wet, it makes him want to fucking pee, and coincidentally, the only vacant bathroom is across the hall, at your apartment.

this is why he believes this is a set up. that, and the fact that you're dressed in an outfit strikingly similar―just with cat ears.

he's been asked five times in this party if you're in matching couple outfits.

it catches him off guard, flusters him because of how badly he wants to say yes. but, you're just friends, and he doesn't even think you like him that way (despite mattsun and oikawa practically begging him to confess. makki tells him he thinks you're going to do it first).

so he politely smiles and says no, but you look good, your costume clinging to you in all the right places. thank fucking god he has a cape because he's pretty sure he spent the first 30 minutes in the party hiding his boner.

"hajime, it's fine, i swear," you stand beside him in front of the conveniently locked bathroom in oikawa's apartment. from the other side of the door, he's pretty sure he hears mattsun and his girlfriend mumbling. maybe fucking? who knows. "you can just use the bathroom in my apartment."

he glances at you before closing his eyes, contemplating, before finally agreeing to you.

"okay."

if he's being honest with himself, friends is definitely an incomplete label to what you are. as oikawa's neighbor, you are conveniently around all the time; and oikawa being oikawa, the ever-social butterfly, he's somehow managed to carve a space for you in the friend group.

(never mind the fact that oikawa's sniffed him out from the moment he first introduced you.)

you were a crush, then a friend, and now you're someone he picks up from work and drives back home three times a week, because he "has to train oikawa." you don't question it, even when you both know he stays over for dinner way past the gym's open hours.

"you know where it is," you open your apartment and urge him in.

"sorry again," he turns to face you.

"yeah, yeah, just pee!" you laugh, shoving him towards the bathroom door.

getting out of the suit is manageable, and he's able to wipe off a bit of the cocktail that's leaked to the suit and his boxers just to make sure it isn't gross and sticky when he gets home later. peeing is a big relief once he gets it over with, but it's when he has to suit up again that things become difficult.

stretching out the spandex one body part at a time is a workout in itself―the hardest task being when he has to pull it over his shoulders, adjusting it to fit properly over his arms and chest.

but then the zipper breaks.

and he truly thinks makki has fucked him over.

iwaizumi contemplates what to do next for a good, good while. he tries calling oikawa, only to no success every time; no way in hell is he calling mattsun in the middle of having sex. and calling makki isn't even an option; he'd never hear the end of it.

then you knock on the door, your voice soft and concerned as you ask, "hajime? you good in there?" you hit it spot on, too, "do you need help with your suit?"

iwaizumi presses his palms to his eyes. he's a rational man, straightforward and logical in thinking. there is literally no other option for him right now but to ask help from you. again.

fuck.

.

it's 30 minutes later when oikawa barges in your door, and the sight that greets him is iwaizumi in nothing but a hoodie (the hoodie you borrowed some time ago) and his boxers, with his hands on your waist as you hover your hairdryer over the crotch of his batman costume―cat headpiece off and all.

"you finally got together?!"

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for "forcing" my best friend to break up with his boyfriend?

🧸

I (22 cis m) and my best friend 'A' (21 ftm) have been friends since we were 10 years old and I love him more than anything. He’s genuinely the sweetest, most thoughtful, and funniest person I’ve ever met. He means everything to me and we’ve been there for each other through the hardest times of our lives so far and I plan on staying until the end.

It’s always been us two. Btw, everyone mentioned here uses he/him pronouns exclusively.

A has been with his boyfriend (21 cis m) for about 2 years now, and from what he told me, things were going great. Even if I’m not too fond of his boyfriend. A few days ago, we got pretty drunk at a friend’s housewarming party. A and I live together, and as soon as we got home, he suddenly started rambling about how he wishes his boyfriend cared about him the same way I do.

Legit felt like I was in some dumb romance movie for a moment there. I felt a little uneasy and asked him to elaborate. In short, his boyfriend essentially treats him like a doll instead of a person with real emotions. He feels as though his boyfriend just uses him to get his daily fix of physical affection and sex, that’s it. The only positive thing his boyfriend can say about A is that he’s cute, which boggles my mind. It’s true but there’s so much more to him as a human being.

A is an incredibly talented artist, super kind, super emotionally intelligent, and has a plethora of interests he loves to infodump about. I’m trying my hardest not to make this entire post about how amazing he is. He’s helped multiple friends clean their depression apartments and took them out to get fresh groceries etc. because it’s basic decency to him. He has such a big heart and holds so much love in it for everyone in his life. Being around him is just so easy and makes life worth living.

He’s just an incredible person all around and every single person that has him in their life recognizes that, except his boyfriend. They’ve had issues in the past because they’re not sexually compatible, which led to some miscommunication and made A feel like he was coerced into things he didn’t want to do. He just did them to make his boyfriend happy. He does a lot of things for his boyfriend, actually. He’s constantly buying little gifts, remembering what he likes, and plans cute dates for them to go on. His boyfriend does none of these things.

I want to mention that A has bpd and avpd. He has an intense fear of rejection and will do everything in his power to appease others so they won’t leave him. I always take the time to reassure him that I love him for who he is and not what he can give me. Basically just making sure he feels loved. Keep in mind, his boyfriend is aware of this but he just gets annoyed when A seeks reassurance from him. His behavior has made my blood boil several times in the past already, but I always kept it to myself for A’s sake. If I was vocal about disliking his boyfriend, it probably would’ve caused A a lot of distress and emotional turmoil.

Still, I don’t think this relationship is healthy for A and I know him well enough to know he won’t break it off on his own. It’s just his combo of personality disorders that makes it impossible for him. I told him about my concerns and he agreed, but said he feels bad for his boyfriend since he apparently doesn’t have any friends outside of A. From my POV, it just looks like his boyfriend knows A is out of his league and is grasping at straws to make A stay with him out of pity.

This is where I might be the asshole. I got a little frustrated and raised my voice, which I severely regret. I don’t want to blame it on the alcohol but it definitely had a hand in it. I finally told him about all these grievances I have about his boyfriend, how much I dislike him and how A deserves so much better, etc.. At one point, I essentially gave him an ultimatum. It’s me or his boyfriend. I didn’t really mean it, it was just a heat of the moment thing I spat out. I would never leave him like that.

A started crying and begged me to calm down, at which point I realized how shitty I was being and immediately began apologizing. We hugged, I comforted him, and we spent the rest of the night cuddling and talking about how he could approach the breakup.

Now that I’ve sobered up I feel like absolute shit. I know it’s not my place to tell A what to do with his romantic relationships, even if I’m his best friend. Plus, I want to be 100% honest here and say I might have romantic feelings for A. I think I have for a long time, but I always wrote it off as intense platonic love. So I may be biased in this whole conversation about his boyfriend.

I didn’t say these things because of that. I genuinely think his boyfriend is a huge dick and full of shit, no matter how sweet and loving he pretends to be. It’s all in the way he treats A. He’s one of those guys that paint their nails (nothing wrong with that but you know the kind of guy I’m talking about), pretend to be feminists, and steal their romantic partner’s personality to seem cooler. He even asked A to stop taking testosterone because he didn’t like how hairy A was getting or some shit like that.

He’s pansexual but has only ever dated girls and started dating A before A began medically transitioning. There’s obviously nothing wrong with that and changes nothing about the fact that he’s pansexual, he just pisses me off when he criticizes A for being 'too masculine'. You can have a preference for feminine people but don’t make that shit your partner’s problem when they just want to pass.

I feel like A’s boyfriend just thought A would always stay the smooth, baby-faced twink he was before going on testosterone and now makes him feel guilty for looking like a grown man. Some people don’t know how to appreciate hairy tummies.

Sorry for making this so long but I just want to be as honest and informative as possible to get proper opinions on the issue. A is now dead set on breaking things off because he now knows that I actively despise his boyfriend and he always puts my opinion above everyone else’s.

Was I in the wrong for doing this or am I just protecting my best friend? I’m glad he intends on ending things but I feel a bit like a conniving snake considering everything. It feels like I’m taking advantage of his mental state even if I’m not doing it consciously.

[copperbadge]

Endeavor OTC game for ADHD

antidoteforreality

is it really different from a standard FPS game? I’m curious about it!

Hope it's okay that I popped this into its own post, I found I had a lot to say :D

Context from the earlier post: EndeavorOTC is a paid app based on EndeavorRX, which is a prescription game for kids with ADHD. RX is FDA-approved; OTC is the version that hasn't gone through FDA approval, but it's a fork of the same code. It's fairly repetitive but that's because it's a training module shaped like a game, not a game that happens to do training.

It's less of an FPS and more of an infinite runner, like Sonic Dash or Temple Run. You're in a little ship that flies along a waterway, and you're supposed to hit "energy fields" which help you speed up to catch a critter you're chasing. You can't control your speed; you tilt your device to swerve left or right to hit the energy fields, but that's it. This is the "Steering" skill.

Your other, simultaneous task is to shoot critters that jump out of the water at you, called "targeting". It's a misnomer since you don't tap ON the creatures, you just tap anywhere on the right side of the screen and it shoots them for you, no aim required. These critters come in three colors, and at the start of every mission they tell you only ONE color to shoot. If you shoot the wrong color or miss an energy field while steering, you slow down very slightly. The goal is to speed up so fast that you catch the critter you're chasing, which is, to be fair, quite challenging.

You aren't ever penalized, really; the critter sometimes gets away, but you get points for trying. You don't have "lives", but you are time-limited -- once you've played for 25 minutes (a "dose"), the game locks down for the rest of the day. Something I REALLY like is that once you've paid the subscription price there's nothing else to buy: no ads to watch for bonuses, no microtransactions, no loot crates. You can earn coin to buy different outfits for your avatar, but that's it, and you can't buy coin, you just get a set amount per day for completing the dose. Every 15 missions or so, your ability to steer-target is evaluated and your score adjusted, which lets you know how you're progressing in terms of treatment, rather than skill at the game. You're supposed to play at least five days a week for six weeks as an initial treatment.

The reason I was willing to give it a shot was that the "targeting" aspect is based on the Go/No-Go Task, which is a legit tool they use in ADHD testing, and the aspect of the test I bombed the hardest when I was evaluated. Ongoing Go/No-Go task training has been shown in some research to help emotional regulation, although it's cognitive and not mindfulness. Overall the game is meant to improve focus but it was the Go/No-Go aspect that I found most compelling as a reason to try.

It's not cheap; you can get a 7-day trial but only if you pre-emptively subscribe, and if you don't cancel the subscription at the end of the 7 days you are charged $130, which I admit is a sneaky move to pull on a population not known for remembering to cancel subscriptions. The first thing I did after signing up was go to google play and cancel the subscription -- I still got to keep the trial -- but honestly when my trial is up I'll probably subscribe, it's a fun little game and I'm willing to risk the money to see if it helps (but I'm also in a position to spend $130 "just to see"). You can also do month-to-month for $25 but obviously the $130 yearly sub is much cheaper in the long run.

I've seen a wide variety of reactions to it, from delight to frustration, although a lot of the frustration seems to be from people who are more accustomed to intense gaming and are treating it like a video game and not a training tool. I'll keep you guys posted on how it goes.

[btsficsandsuch]

I Know I Look Good, but That’s No Reason to be This Upset

You have insecurities after seeing how good your boyfriend looks in a Calvin Klein ad. Jungkook does his best to cheer you up in his own way.

Mentions of insecurities. Some hints of adult themes.

You watched the video over and over. Your boyfriend Jungkook dancing through a parking garage shirtless with a loose tie around his neck. He looks incredible. You’re going through comment after comment saying how sexy he is, how good he looks, how incredible his abs are, and so on. You know that you should be happy as you’re the person that this man comes home to everyday but you can’t help but take a hit to your self-esteem and your insecurities were starting to rear their ugly head.

You had just started getting over the first drop of photos from the Calvin Klein shoot that made you feel absolutely awful about yourself. Jungkook always tried his hardest to make sure you knew how beautiful you were and that he only had eyes for you, but there was always this thought in the back of your mind that you couldn’t get rid of. You felt that he deserved someone prettier. Someone with abs and curves in all the right places. Seeing him look like a legit model with people all over the world drooling over him made you realize just how “plain” you were. You saw yourself as just average on a good day and when you were feeling down, like right now, you couldn’t even dare to look at yourself in a mirror and you definitely didn’t understand how Jungkook could even look at you.

For some reason you just couldn’t turn your laptop off. You played the ad over and over, each time a little piece of your self-esteem drifting away. Before you know it there were tears rolling down your face. You couldn’t stop yourself from thinking of all the reasons Jungkook would be so much better without you. He should be with another idol or even a model. Someone he could be proud to be seen with. The fans knew about you two and at first things were rough with hateful comments and posts but after Jungkook went live and gave them a stern talking to explaining that he loved you and them being mean towards you wouldn’t change anything they did start to treat you better, for the most part. You still got the occasional comment saying how ugly you were or that Jungkook could do so much better. Usually you could just ignore them except when you felt like this. You start to think back to every hurtful comment and post you’ve seen, including the few under the ad asking what this man sees in you. More and more you start to believe them.

You’re so wrapped up in your thoughts that you don’t hear Jungkook walk into the room. He slowly makes his way behind you hoping to scare you in a playful way but then he notices your shoulders shaking and he can hear your sniffles. He looks at your laptop screen and sees his ad playing on loop. He can also see some of the comments saying not so nice things about you. Deep down he knows why you’re crying but he’s hoping he can cheer you up with some humor. “”Aww Y/N, are you crying tears of joy at the fact that you get to sleep next to a stud like that every night?”, he says startling you.

You quickly wipe away the tears that have fallen and chuckle, “Oh yeah, I’m just over the moon.” Jungkook walks around and sits next to you on the couch wrapping his arm around your shoulder, “Y/N tell me what’s really wrong?” You shake your head not wanting to involve him in your insecurities, “Nothing, I’m fine. I just got a little emotional.” Jungkook knows you better than you think. He smiles, “I know I look good Y/N but that’s no reason to be this upset.” You smile at his attempts to make you laugh. You lean into him resting your head on this shoulder, “Why are you with me Kookie? Do you ever wish you could have someone else?”

Jungkook squeezes you a little tighter, “Never Y/N. If I didn’t want to be you I wouldn’t. That’s 100% the truth.” You look up at your boyfriend and you can see the sincerity in his eyes but you still need reassurance, “Do you mean that? Sometimes I just think you could do so much better but I think you’re too nice to leave.” He softly wipes away at the last few tears left on your cheeks, “Y/N I think you’re beautiful. Everything you hate about yourself I find a reason to love. There isn’t anything about you I would change.”

Slowly with his words you begin to feel better. Jungkook closes the laptop and slides it under the couch so that it’s out of site and out of mind. He grabs your hand and starts to pull you towards the bedroom. “Kookie what are you doing?”, you ask with a giggle. “Well I’m currently wearing all this Calvin Klein merchandise.”, he says showing you the band of his underwear. “And since it seems to make you so upset I thought maybe you could come help get it off of me.”, he says with a smirk and a wink before pulling you even faster to the bedroom.

[fellshish]

hi, thoughts on five and lila?

I know a lot of fans hate this storyline with a passion and i’m almost nervous to say i… don’t :/ prefacing this by saying that i’ve been a pretty casual fan over the years, wasn’t active in the tua fandom, didn’t read fics for it etc.

Then s4e5 pushed certain buttons in me that really draw me into a ship.

I think yes of course it’s two flawed people making flawed decisions. But it’s also at its core very very human to me. They spent literal years going through all these life-in-danger situations together releasing all the falling in love type of dopamine. They didn’t have anyone but each other. They were lonely. They bonded. Things happen in such situations.

It also helps that i didn’t headcanon five as ace (which is a totally legit take on the character btw i’m not trying to put my own opinion above anyone else’s). For me the way he was living decades alone and fell in love with a mannequin the way he did, showed how desperate he was for romantic love and touch [again, just my own reading]. It makes sense to me that his second time around, he fell hard.

For me where their storyline pushed my buttons the hardest was the tragedy of it all. When lila called what they had ‘survival’ and five’s heart broke — like the closest thing to love he’s ever had in his life was just a play-acting of love. I simply cannot resist a blorbo who believes love is not in the cards for him.

Obviously lila was always going to choose her children and diego, even if she genuinely cared about five. Makes sense. It’s all so very morally grey and human.

So yeah. Buttons? Pushed. Sorry…

[cooligas]

I feel like y’all don’t understand that the roots of Aemond being an evil mf, is bc he was bullied as a child and the adults didn’t care enough. Him losing an eye and never getting justice worsened him and he doesn’t want to appear weak EVER AGAIN. The last time he did (brothel scene) he got mocked AGAIN by his brother.

“I don’t understand what did Alicent do to him for him to act like that towards her”

First he was raised with misogynistic ideas around him (his mother being a victim of it and a misogynist at the same time) so ofc he will look down on women. Second, yes she was the one who stood up for him when he lost his eye but she literally allowed Aegon to bully him as long as it’s not in public, at the same time. He’s also frustrated because she didn’t condone what happened to Luke and didn’t want him to be part of the green council to begin with.

Mostly and most importantly ; she is the person he loves the most. Love = weakness to him. Hence the fact that he’s the only main character with zero love interest btw (for the moment). She’s the personification of all the feelings he can’t bare to express anymore.

“I don’t understand why he burned Aegon”

Aemond is basically a teenager (important to remember that) who is impulsive (he regrets the shit he did to luke) and has anger issues. He attacks people who hurt him and the people he loves (bc yes, he does love). He has conflicted feelings for Aegon because of all the shit he did to him. He e wants the throne not really for himself but to win the war at all costs, because his mother always told them that the family would be in danger if team black was ruling. Also to show that he is capable of great things (he claimed the biggest dragon to show that he isn’t a weak bullied kid) and that he is better than Aegon.

His brother never showed real affection towards him (him allowing Aemond to be part of the green council was pure strategy since he has Vhagar) and spent most of his life degrading him and bullying him. Y’all also forget that he is the reason he’s sexually traumatised bc he allowed him to get sexually abused. Aemond has more reasons to hate Aegon than to love him. We legit have zero scene of them being lovely brothers to each others btw.

The whole “I’m strong and nothing and nobody scares me” is just a facade. Look at the way he tried his hardest not to look at alicent (or cry but you didn’t hear that from me) when she talked to him on episode 6 bc he knows his mask would fall off. It’s a shield he uses to protect himself and to never show weakness bc he doesn’t want to be mocked and hurt anymore.

Aemond genuinely didn’t seem like a bad kid before losing his eye. He was sympathetic, he still felt empathy (towards Helaena, Jace during the funerals). If he had been raised with kindness, and was not being filled with filthy ideas against women or his nephews by his MOTHER, if his father slightly gave a f about him and his siblings and if people actually cared about him being bullied and him losing an eye, he would’ve been a normal human being.

[randomalistic]

first off. i can't believe that i already followed you- your spam blog -and didn't know.

second. i literally just had a dream shere i was rambling to someone about turbo using stuff from your essay. apparently it rewired my brain so hard it, and you, manifested in my dreams lol (i even made a bad joke that "you can say he's Turbo-tastic!" hah)

and congratulations on making such great work of art that is the essay, you can feel and hear the love(and hyperfixation) poured into it.

i do wonder tho, what was the hardest part when making it?

I’m so glad you enjoyed it yay :)❤️ and also recognized me from my sneo blog LOL

I feel that so horrendously much. I legit had a dream a few nights ago about someone APPROACHING ME cuz they recognized my voice from the essay (girl get an ego check) but they then said “dude it’s so obvious you’re into him” or something. And I was like. 🧍‍♀️Well you don’t have to say it out loud

Anyways you’re not the only one cuz the video haunts me too. even after its birth.

The hardest part?? Oh Man. Can I say Everything.

There were a few stretches that were REALLY TOUGH. short answer: Entire first half of the video. Also the longer parts like the Manipulation section, Turbo reveal section, and the Cybug King Candy section. I had a lot to say for these and it was tricky to condense it into something Comprehensible

Long answer:

I completely overhauled the entire first half of the video (EVERYTHING before the kart breaking scene) because I wasn’t satisfied with the writing/delivery etc. (Which was a good choice because my arguments were pretty half baked before) but oh my god that was like a week and a half of 7 hour recording and rewriting sessions it was brutal. Especially annoying because those arguments were super old and I was getting sick of thinking about them. So instead I used them as a backbone to structure better arguments and revamp the script so that kept me from going insane. However it was also really fun because I got to see my old ass arguments finally be explained to their fullest capacity. And also I got to write shit like ☝️🤓Excuse me sir your turbo is showing..

The biggest issue with this being my first ever video essay and it taking so goddamn long: you could SEE my writing/editing/voicing skills improve over the span of the video itself. Which is really cool improvement wise but REALLY . REALLY BAD CONSISTENCY WISE. Like the first half of the video is the part people are gonna see first. It SETS EXPECTATIONS. IT HAS TO BE PEAK

I think I re-edited the synopsis upwards of 5-6 times. Which makes sense as that was like the first thing I started the project with but ouhvhhhgghghr. Making a section from scratch is WAY easier than going back and having to redo something

Early on I cut out an entire fully edited/scripted/recorded 3 minute section of me talking about Megamind and its sequel because I realized. This is pointless and everyone has TALKED ABOUT MEGAMIND BEFORE AND THIS HAS NOTHIBG TO DO WITH WRECK IT RALPH. There were a lot of scrapped ideas

Audio was also really challenging, just entirely. Making sure the levels were consistent (I had absolutely zero voice volume normalization I did it all manually 😭 I’m gonna have to figure out how to do that) Also just the concept of recording my voice and having to speak out loud in a space was Real Bad for my anxiety but You Do it Scared. Had to wait until I was home alone or like 99% sure I was alone before I could say anything without worrying. Also training my voice to sound engaging and consistent was so hard and it took maybe 6 months for me to get it down. Also I had no fucking idea where to record, like at first I was recording in a CLOSET (and later under a piano??) and then I was wondering why my lines sounded so weird. Then I realized I could just Record in a room and it would sound JUST FINE. So basically uhhh every single part was the hardest part. But it was worth it and very fun I think 🫶

[sirfrogsworth]

Yes?

I can acknowledge a hundred problematic things about Harvard and legacy admissions and ridiculous tuition and endowments while still saying you can get an amazing education if you go there and apply yourself.

Yes, you can coast by and do the bare minimum and graduate at the bottom of your class and basically spend tens of thousands of dollars for nothing and leave with about the same knowledge you had when you started.

But I actually know someone who went to Harvard Law. One of the hardest things they ever did. They had to work their ass off. And because they actually wanted the best education possible and went into it with that mentality, that is exactly what they got.

So I guess you could say you cannot *just* go to Harvard and that is impressive. But if you thrive at Harvard and graduate with honors, that is a legit accomplishment.

So yes, graduating with honors from Harvard is impressive. Just as Tom Morello's wicked whammy guitar solos are impressive. There is a reason it has been a top 10 school in nearly every category for like the last hundred years.

But you don't have to be a Harvard grad to be impressive. I impress from time to time and I only graduated high school.

And you can definitely completely ruin that impressive feat by being Ted Cruz.

[nattylvr]

When you get a taste, can you tell me what’s my flavor?

requested\ yes

a/n: i got a request for a Tai slowburn, so you know i had to make it a homoerotic friendship, hope you enjoy it💞

warnings: best friends longing for each other, talk about exes, a little bit of angst

summary: You and Taissa were just friends, right?

Taissa was your best friend, nothing more, nothing less. You were on the same soccer team and you did everything together, but that’s normal, right?

Anyhow, her birthday was this Saturday and you made it your personal mission to let her have the best birthday ever, the one she’ll always remember. The whole squad was in on it, you already agreed with Lottie to have it at her huge ass house, nicely decorated. Nat and Van were gonna take care of the booze, and Jackie and Shauna were on food. You had the hardest task of all, and that was to convince her to show up. You’d thrown her a rager, with the whole school invited basically, but it wasn’t any good if she wasn’t there. Now, she loves parties, big ones, but convincing her to casually go to Lottie’s house on her birthday? That was gonna be tough, since Tai is known to be stubborn.

“How do you think i should convince her to come?” You asked Lottie, who was sat next to you at our lunch table

“What, you haven’t told her yet?” Lottie asked a little shocked

“No, of course not! I want it to be a surprise!” You said like it was the most obvious thing in the world

“Jesus Christ…I have no idea. But you better figure it the fuck out, or it’ll all have been for nothing!” Lottie said annoyed

“I kno-“

“What will have been for nothing?” Taissa asked, appearing behind us

“Uhh, my studying for the math quiz, if I don’t do well” Worst lie in history. Lottie seemed to think so as well when she had to hold back a laugh

“I’ll meet you guys later” Lot said getting up, the tension could’ve been cut with a knife

Tai sat across me, you kept eating and refusing to look her in the eye.

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” Tai asked knowing you couldn’t lie for too long

“No, everything is good…I mean not like good, just like…normal.” Good job!

“Mhm…and I definitely didn’t hear you talking about a surprise, right?” She asked staring right at my soul

“Fine, God I threw you a party…and it was supposed to be a surprise.” You said defeated

“Wha- Wait like a legit party?” Tai asked

“Yeah It’s at Lottie's, I made like a thousand written and copied invitations for our entire class and it said ‘Don’t mention to Taissa’ with these big red letters” When you told her about it you sounded kinda dorky to yourself, but it didn’t seem that way to her at all

“Don’t shy away, that’s so sweet of you! And I’ll totally act surprised in front of the others if you want me to.” She said holding your hand on the table gently

“Oh will you, reallyyy?” You asked her, you really wanted the girls to think she was mesmerized by your oh so hard work

“Yeah, sure.” She said not letting go of your hand

That was a success, but you couldn’t shake the feeling of only one thing.

Her hand was so soft

You just wanted to hold it forever. But that’s normal for best friends, right?

Yet there you were, supposed to be focusing on a test while thinking of Taissa’s hands

When school was done, you got in your car, of course you were giving Tai a ride, so you waited for her. It is safe to say when you saw her exiting school you were not happy. She was walking with Van who she used to date. In her defense they did break up on good terms, but you still didn’t like it. But that’s normal, you were just looking out for your friend, right?

“Hey sweetie” Tai said opening the passenger seat door and getting in

“Hi love…so what are you gonna wear tomorrow?” You asked her in anticipation

“Well I was thinking that orange dress, with the headband, they match” She said touching up her gloss, looking in her compact mirror

“I’m not sure whether to wear a dress at all.”

“You should, you always wear baggy clothes.” Tai said

“Why does that matter?” You asked her as you started to drive

“Well you look super hot when you dress up.”

She was leaning her head against the seat looking right at you. At this point you were really hoping she wouldn’t notice the slight redness that spread across your cheeks. I mean it’s still normal to blush when your friend compliments you…

As you got home you basically tried on your entire closet. You really wanted her to be impressed by your look, and didn’t even realize it had been hours. How is it possible you have quite literally nothing to wear? However in a time of crisis you dialed the first person who came to mind for fashion advice.

“Jackie! I need serious help.” You leaned against the wall, whining to her on the phone

“What’s going on?” She didn’t even need to ask who called, that kinda humbled you

“I need fashion advice! Like what the fuck do I wear for Tai to think I’m hot?” That last part must’ve just slipped out…

“What? Why would you want Tai to think you’re hot?” She asked, sounding genuinely confused

“Just forget I said that, but pleaseeeee Jackie You have to lend me something!”

“Fine, fine…I’ll give you the red dress, the one I gave Shauna some time ago”

“The boob dress?”

“That would be the one…”

“Okay, you’re the best. Love ya mwah mwah” You said, not waiting for her to say anything before hanging up

You still couldn’t shake the feeling of quite a few things. Why were you so obsessed with Taissa thinking you look good? And why were you so envious of Van, it didn’t make any sense to you. You kept thinking about these things until you fell asleep and the next day subtly rolled around. You were woken up by the doorbell at around 10am, and your mother calling you over, telling you that it’s for you.

“Jackie, hey” You said, opening the door and seeing the paper bag in her hand

“Hey, I came to drop off the dress…you look like shit, did you sleep okay?” She asked bluntly

“Gee, thanks…I slept okay I just have a lot on my mind.” Well you weren’t lying

“If you say so, here you go.” She said handing me the bag

“Thanks. Wanna come in?” You didn’t really want her to, but you did ask her to be polite

“No I have to go to back home, my mom is having people over for brunch…I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay, bye.”

As the day slowly but agonizingly passed, you started getting ready. You did your makeup all nice, same for your hair, and were genuinely amazed by how good your boobs looked in that dress. Now you were supposed to pick up Tai.

Why were you so nervous over it

Nevertheless, you made it to her house, watching her exit her home. You jaw almost went slack on the floor because of how beautiful she looked. How was it even possible?

“Happy birthday Tai!” You squealed when she entered the car

“Thank you love” She said putting on her seatbelt and smiling at you

“ I’m so excited to get fucked up” You said as you started driving over to Lottie’s

“Yeah well not too fucked up, you know how you get” She said mockingly

“I’m not that bad at all!” You try to defend yourself

“Dude you are so lightweight.” She said like it was the most obvious thing in the world

You had a small pit in your stomach as you parked by the house. It was a gnawing feeling that something was gonna happen and ruin your mood. But for the time being you chose to ignore it and make sure Tai has fun. She played off the fake surprise perfectly, and you lot got to partying your asses off.

But that gross gut feeling turned out to be true. The more she drank the more she hung out with Van. They were all touchy and it was making you sick. Drink after drink you started losing your mind, and danced with the first person who asked you to do so. Little did you know Taissa was on the verge of tears when she saw you grinding against someone else.

You didn’t even know how you felt anymore. Everything was fuzzy and you couldn’t make out a single familiar face. That is, until you saw Natalie sitting by the bonfire with her burnout friends, deciding to go and recollect yourself there.

“Hey Nat”

“Oh, hi” She said. You could see she was high off her ass.

“You havin’ fun?” She asked

“No.” Natalie was easy to talk to, especially when you were both out of it

“Oh, what happened?” She asked nonchalantly, but you knew she did care

“I think I’m in love with my best friend.” You couldn’t believe you actually said it out loud. After all this time denying it to yourself and everyone around you, it felt a bit freeing

“Yeah no shit” She said with a small chuckle

“That obvious?”

“…Yeah” Nat said confronting you

“You should drink some water”

“So should you”

“Touchè”

___________________________________________

After sobering up a little you found yourself playing truth or dare with about 20 kids. Tai and Van were still attached at the hip, it made you wanna throw up.

“Okay, birthday girl. Truth or dare?”

You didn’t really catch who asked her

“Hmm…dare” Taissa said holding her red solo cup and taking a sip of her beer

“I dare you…to make out with your little girlfriend”

Van, they were talking about Van. Your heart flipped as you silently prayed she wouldn’t go through with it.

“Dare’s a dare” She said as she kissed her ex. You couldn’t even take it, so you ran off to your car, sitting in it and weeping for a few minutes until you heard someone come in

___________________________________________ Taissa’s POV

I kissed Van and it felt almost nauseating. She was into it, eveyone was. Kinky teenage boys screaming for us, which made it so much worse. As i finally pulled away i noticed that y/n was gone. I sat there not sure what to do. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and take my mind off of her.

“Well you successfully made her jealous” Van’s voice.

“What?” I asked, knowing full well that was what I tried to do

“Your best friend, the one who basically ran off?” Van said

“I wasn’t trying to-“ I try to defend myself

“Look Tai, her car’s still out front. Do what you gotta do” Van said and her words cut deep as a knife. I basically ran over to her, as i found her with ruined mascara and that awful, sad look in her eyes.

___________________________________________ Your POV

“Taissa?” You said as you saw her with a worried look on her face

“Listen, I was such an idiot for doing that, but I’m here now, okay?” She said completely out of breath

“Tai what are you-“

You were cut off by her lips pressing against yours. She captured you in the sweetest kiss you had ever exchanged, the perfect first one. As her arms were around your neck, your hands found her waist, pulling her flush against you

“That.”

[dark-elf-writes]

Okay so I woke up super early as I always do and I'm more sober and one of the thoughts I had cause they were rattling around my head was yours so:

How many of 1A thought it was some messed pigtail pulling? That they legit believed it was harmless? I imagine a fair chunk did because boys can get away with a lot of shit around girls since its boys being boys.

I am in particular imagining Kirishima dismissing it with a shrug cause its just Baiugou being manly but then the truth comes out and he spends time hunched over in the bathroom shaking cause hoky shit he didn't know.

I'm imagining Todoroki who always kinda knew but he had begun seeing UA as a safe place crashing hard.

I'm seeing Ocahko and Tenya having to be digpiled so they dont rip Bakugou apart

Most of them had thought Bakugou was harmless.

Well, that’s not true.

They had thought Bakugou was a loud swaggering bully with anger issues a mile wide and a hairpin trigger, but they had never thought he would seriously hurt someone, much less Izumi.

Sure he was never nice to her, really, but he was never nice to anyone. All of them carried bruises from him going too far in training. All of them had been snarled at and called names. But they figured that was just how he was. Surely if Izumi was actually scared she would say something… right? She wouldn’t just smile placidly with her head tipped down and let him walk all over her. Would she?

Shouto, out of all of them, knew better. He took one look at the way Izumi’s eyes glazed over when Bakugou started yelling and he knew. He had seen that look on the face of his sister far too often. He had hazy memories half lost to burning pain on his face of the same look on his mother’s face. That look was part of the reason he started pulling Izumi aside, blurting out any excuse that came to mind just to get her away (“you’re All Mights secret love child” had been a panicked move… but he was still sure it was right). He didn’t know how to do more really. Didn’t know how bad it was either but he was still there and tried to get her away as much as he could.

(Izumi had always thought Shouto felt familiar in a way she couldn’t place. It was he is eyes, she thought. Or one of them. But when she looked into the blue she could never figure out why she started craving a smoke.)

Ochako and Tenya also knew something was wrong. From the moment Bakugou had yanked Izumi’s hand from Ochako’s after they met on the way to school (It had been an impulse to grab her hand at all, and one Ochako couldn’t explain. Izumi had just looked so happy in spite of the bags under her eyes that she couldn’t help but reach out. To swing their joined hands while she subtly used her grip to guide Izumi with Tenya only a few steps ahead of them smiling politely as he talked to Ochako and used his bulk to clear a path for the other two.) one day both of them had hated him. Hated how Izumi made her self small for him too. Seeing their friend curl in on herself and lose all that spark felt like watching her dying over and over again.

If Ochako picked arguments right before they were sparring well then at least Bakugou was focused on her and not Izumi. If Tenya made eye contact before quite literally running laps around Bakugou in warm ups then at least he was busy chasing him and letting Izumi warm up in peace. If both of them had an unspoken agreement that they would wait, just a bit, if Izumi ever told them about what exactly Bakugou had done to her before going to the teachers, well, at least that bastard would finally be the one hurting and not their friend.

(Hearing Izumi scream the words like a damnation it’s probably a good thing that Mr. Aizawa had caught them in Erasure too, already so close and preparing to but in. They’re bother pretty sure Shouji wouldn’t have been able to get his hands on them first otherwise and they weren’t entirely sure they would have stopped at just a little hurt then.)

Kirishima takes it the hardest. He had thought it was cute the way Bakugou couldn’t handle his crush and maybe relationship. Had thought it was manly. Men take what they wanted after all and Izumi had never seemed too uncomfortably. Or really any more uncomfortable than she was with most people. He just thought she was shy and Bakugou was… well Bakugou. (No one stops him from running from the room when the truth comes out. Kaminari finds him in the bathroom ten minutes later sobbing as he clutches the toilet after getting sick. Horrified with himself for not knowing. For thinking it was cute. For being his friend.)

[hostilemuppet]

I keep seeing fics and prompts where branch and John Dory and branch bond over them both being survivalist.

But like, John Dory did it for fun, he decided to leave and go off the grid, branch was a legit toddler having to figure out how to live without anyone

It’s kinda annoying to see people compare the two when they had completely different experiences and reasons they became survivalist 

When the series happens I wanna see an episode where John Dory is trying his hardest to relate about living in wild by themselves but branch is just trauma dumping without even realising it, making John Dory hate himself

Jd: man, there's nothing better than being COMPLETELY self sufficient, amirite bitty b? Going off the grid was the best decision I ever made

Branch: haha... yeah........ it was so fun having to engineer an advanced security system to protect myself from predators at the age of 14. Before I wired up indoor heating at around 17 it got so cold during snow day I had several hyperthermia scares, but, yknow, I only lost the one toe! And it was great for restocking the ice box, that I used since I didnt have electricity for a long time and OBVIOUSLY I didnt want the small game I managed to trap under a box to go bad. Yknow it took me a while to get used to snapping those poor things necks, and a couple times I didnt even kill them instantly so they were just writhing in pain and I had to stomp em to put em out of their misery and it was a TOTAL waste of meat and I cried a LOT, but I got used to it eventually. At least were not at the VERY bottom of the food chain, huh?

Jd:

Jd: I liked going fishing

[moe-broey]

Kafka here rising from the dead to say I feel you so much on all your Bravefonse stuff. I am so disappointed too!! And it kinda gives me an icky feeling, this almost retconning of Gustav who was clearly so crappy to Alfonse and Sharena as a straight up good dad, no complexity what so ever. This is just more fuel for me to eventually write my Domi dunks on Gustav and helps Alfonse sort out his feelings™️ fic

YEAH.... YEAH............ I have been SO all over the place about it (as you can. Fucking See LMFAOO). On one hand, it Does give you a lot of material to work with, from a writing standpoint. But dear god. Like I cannot get Book 3 Gustav out of my mind. Every fucking line he says to Alfonse legit gobsmacked me and set off my panic response 🧍 Like Jesus Christ......

But again! It is a really interesting creative exercise to try and figure out how to approach Alfonse's feelings with the appropriate amount of care, consideration, restraint, while Gently. So so gently. Trying to open his eyes to it. Trying to tell him that the way his father, who he loves very much, who he sees as this idealized role model to strive for, who he so desperately just wants to feel loved by, too. To do right by him. Trying to tell Alfonse, hey. The way your father spoke to you is Not Normal. That's not what love is supposed to look like.

But trying to communicate something like that, even as I write it here, feels like an oversimplification of the situation... that only serves to paint Gustav as a Bad Person (which. Regardless let's stay focused here), implies that there's a "correct" and "incorrect" way to love, and that people who have abusive behaviors Can't have any real or genuine love and care for whoever is on the receiving end of the mistreatment, and ultimately it invalidates the first person's real and genuine feelings for the other (so in this case, Alfonse's feelings about Gustav).

Another thing I'm always examining is Fear. It is abundantly clear to me that Gustav acts the way he does to Alfonse, because he's scared. Idk idk there's a Million things you can fucking say about it, but it does come back to that "Do as I Say, Not As I Do". And that same sex parent projecting themselves to their child. "My experiences will be Your experiences, because we're The Same". And if the experiences were Bad, there's the Fear. "I don't want you to go through what I've been through. I'm Protecting You".

Gustav... just has an extremely upsetting outright abusive way of going about it. As though, if he can Overpower the problem, it will be Solved.

Sorry in too deep, Gustav Jumpscare (also due to image limits, I'll write down this line I think is important)

Gustav: "If you had miscalculated even slightly, you'd be dead now. Dead, Alfonse."

And. Focal point here

Like this is exactly what I'm talking about, and why I included all of Alfonse's responses (even the small ones. Especially the small ones).

Alfonse made a risky decision that did pay off. But it scared Gustav. It reminded Gustav of himself, of his father, and also genuinely, he does love his son (stay with me. I know. It's the hardest part for me, too). He doesn't want Alfonse to die. As his heir, of course, but as his son, too.

So, how does he express this...? He tries to take full control of the situation. To Overpower the situation. He's King, after all. To do this, he needs to overpower Alfonse. By any means necessary, he needs to beat this out of Alfonse. He needs to eliminate the threat. That way, Alfonse is Safe. That way, Gustav has successfully Protected Alfonse.

It's just... such a terrible thing to watch unfold. Especially in how Alfonse caves in. I mean. What else can you do in that situation. There's nothing else you can do.

Idk idk I'm just always examining it. Reaching out my hand, let's all start a Summoner led Alfonse support group together (Sharena too, because my god she did not get out unscathed either)